I spent another afternoon at yet another temp agency doing tests. I’m thirty-eight years old, and I am in the position of having to sit down and take inane (and might I add, badly designed) computer based tests to show that I can:

A) type

B) use a number pad

C) navigate MS Office app’s (because all businesses know that the only way to get something done is to do it in an MS application… not like there aren’t more elegant/efficient word processors or, say, layout programs)

D) can fill out fifteen forms; by hand

[this includes a work history form, despite having brought a much more thorough, beautifully laid out resume with me]

As I made my way back home, three hours later (no joke), I thought about the time that had elapsed; I thought about how, in general, so much of my life these days is spent… proving myself.

I think it’s something my partnered, happily employed friends can’t possibly understand; between job hunting and online personals an enormous amount of time and energy every day goes towards continually proving myself — proving myself worthy of being hired and worthy of being loved.

This is energy my peers who have already found their dream job (or at least something stable and in the field of study they spent their college years pursuing), and a mate, do not have to spend. And no wonder, then, that they seem more well-rested, buoyant, and productive. They simply don’t have to prove themselves every day.

Now, I understand – jobs of every stripe can be challenging; and relationships, even well-balanced, loving ones, take work. But that’s different; having to take time to talk something through with a spouse is different than having to earn their initial trust, affection and support.

I can’t help but wonder what I could be accomplishing in my life if I didn’t have to expend so much energy every day constantly trying to prove my worth as a human being.